


white flag

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 23:49:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12641793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: Jessica said oncecall me, i’ll come. Taeyeon collects. But ten years later. And she's clumsy as ever.





	white flag

**Author's Note:**

> Catching up on request! Mostly because football is boring.
> 
> For Anonymous, who requested: "taengsic/park walk." Also Jessica and Irene's friendship continues to give me life like crazy.

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

it’s a town car. on the third floor of the parking garage. irene sent her an ambiguous text. went something like _enjoy your present!_ that was followed by a license plate number and a photo of the driver. with flowers. with a lot of flowers. like two fistfuls of store bought mixes. which makes her think that this wasn't planned well. and super last minute.

“so basically what you’re saying is that you’re sending me to get _murdered_ ,“ jessica says to irene. who just laughs. “all because you left dinner early to go home to your dog.”

“pretty much.”

when the elevator stops, jessica steps off. she eyes the empty parking garage. she grips the phone.

“i didn’t drink enough champagne for this,” she mutters. she's surprised no one told irene that she is naturally suspicious. either that or all their friends are terrible and in this too.

“i’ll buy you a bottle.”

jessica snorts. “i’ll buy my own.” she spots the guy that is driving. “are you sure i’m not going to die?”

irene laughs. “but it’ll be in chanel?”

jessica rolls her eyes. half-smiles at the driver. mostly out of distrust. he opens the door and it swings open. this feels like an event, she thinks. sees nothing but a dark car and the open door. jessica hates events. they’re cheesy.

“you haven’t gotten in.”

irene’s voice almost startles her. 

“still deciding whether or not i want to get murdered,” jessica sings. her mouth purses together. then she shrugs and slides into the car.

at some point, she hangs up on irene. whether or not it has to do with the fact that she is staring at kim taeyeon is up for debate. recognizing it seems a little more complicated too. but she drags herself back to reality. heart pounding. eyes widening slightly.

the mask is next. mouth settling into a thin line. maybe amusement. slight surprise. the trick to taeyeon is honesty; whether or not she chooses to read into that a certain type of what is also a heavy point too. jessica keeps herself simple. but she'd be a liar if she didn't say that the knots in her stomach were out of control.

“so.” she leans against the car door. “do i really want to know?”

“this wasn’t my idea,” taeyeon mutters. probably more so that jessica doesn’t hear. because she finishes with a shrug and, “i figured it was time we talked.”

jessica raises an eyebrow. stares at taeyeon. then at the driver. the driver waves a hand at the door. masks his patience with some flourish. against better judgment she gets into the car this way; watches the car and thinks _morbid curiosity_ , the source of her trouble most of the time.

inside the car, she faces taeyeon. forces herself to. because this is the way it’s going to go regardless.

“a car date?”

taeyeon flushes. “irene,” she mutters.

“and you listened?” jessica presses. she watches the driver lean against the door. he pulls out his phone. "also, couldn't you have just called me? or picked a coffee shop. or - why are you _still_ so strange?" she asks.

taeyeon laughs. it's a low sound. tight, mostly because she looks as equally uncomfortable as she feels. "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

they fall into a silence. jessica mostly stares at the driver outside her window. shifting from foot to foot. she makes up a ten second story in her head. he's probably bored. he probably wants to be home with his girlfriend. probably wants to watch television. and go to bed early. all things that seem completely perfect to her.

but she also hates silences. abruptly turns to face taeyeon. opens her mouth. then she finds herself laughing.

"you know," she says, "that this is nuts."

taeyeon shrugs. "like i said -"

"it wasn't your idea," jessica cuts her off. she waves a hand. "should we go then? i mean, i'm wearing really expensive clothes. i'd rather be in jeans." she pauses, sighing. waves her hands around. "i'm really tired and i really just want nachos, if i'm honest."

"your house... then?"

jessica blinks. taeyeon looks hopeful. or tries to mask that she's hopeful. it's endearing and jessica, honestly, is just tired. she's reached the point where it's just going to be straightforward or nothing else.

but her dress is a glittery mess. and her shoes are starting to press back against her heels. she feels like she should be annoyed. maybe angrier than she really is. it's been awhile. it's taken a lot for her to acknowledge that. she isn't as angry anymore.

so she makes the decision. of course. "yeah," she says. looks away. "let's go."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the apartment stop isn't long.

literally: taeyeon hangs out in her hallway, staring a painting. jessica changes. drops her dress on the bed. texts soojung and says something like _making a snack run!_ even though her sister is filming and has a couple hours until she is actually on the way home.

"i'm probably going to make you instagram me at some point," she says. grabs a jacket and eyes taeyeon for the reaction. jessica hands over a purse. "because the city is really pretty at night," she shrugs as if it explains everything.

taeyeon snorts. "sure, whatever." and then hands back her purse as they leave.

imagine this conversation. jessica has. variations of it. they have talked before. briefly, maybe a year or two ago. there was an ambiguous text. _can we move past this?_ and like everything else in their relationship, it was late at night. jessica remembers because she was in hong kong. suffering through another speculation of whether or not she was in a relationship. when really, she moving to meet her sister for dinner.

but it's cold tonight. jessica draws her jacket around her shoulders. swings her purse across her body. she doesn't know where they're going. taeyeon doesn't volunteer any sort of suggestions either. so they walk. quietly. heads bowed. sometimes she'll sneak a glance at taeyeon. mostly, she just catches taeyeon watching her too.

finally, two blocks in and closer to the water view. jessica buys them sweet potatoes at a stall. taeyeon runs inside a convenience store to grab hot chocolate. because sensible purchases, you know.

"are you okay?" jessica asks. seems like the logical lead in. "this was pretty elaborate, you know. i'm not a jerk. i would answer your phone call."

taeyeon shrugs. peels a sweet potato and hands one to jessica first. she balances the second one on top of a hot chocolate.

"i figured you'd appreciate it," she answers. and then laughs. "but it was stupid, huh?"

"it's not your style."

taeyeon smiles wistfully. "i guess."

they pass a small hotel on the third block, cross the street and enter a park. the view of the water disappears in the distance. sometimes, jessica wishes she lived closer to the han. there are plenty of people at the park. some exercising. runners with their head down.

"should we sit?" jessica breaks the silence. drags them to a bench. "my feet hurt," she says. and that's not a lie. taeyeon hands her a hot chocolate. "otherwise," jessica adds, "i would actually walk around. it's nice out."

"it's beautiful."

jessica searches taeyeon's face. her expression is unreadable. 

"what's wrong?" she asks. carefully. she bites her lip and nudges her shoulder. taeyeon makes a noise from the back of her throat. "listen," jessica says. "i'm not exactly the most delicate. that part of me is reserved for a couple of people -"

"i miss you," taeyeon says quietly.

that does not come out of nowhere. or maybe it does. it feels like it does. if anything, jessica sort of steels herself. pushes herself to sit a little straighter and grips her hot cup tightly.

"yah," she murmurs. her heart nearly stops. "warn me next time, kim taeyeon-ssi."

taeyeon smiles. more for herself. the corners of her mouth press tightly. jessica eyes her. waits a little.

"i mean it," taeyeon continues then. her voice is even. "i miss you. and it's stupid because a lot is going on and it feels insanely overwhelming. i can pick the direction that i'm supposed to go in. i know the answers that i'm supposed to give. i know moving forward isn't a bad thing." she stops, short. leans over her knees and drops her hot chocolate cup on the ground. it leans against her boots. "i know people change," she starts again. and taeyeon's expression seems muffled. like she's purposefully trying to hide herself. "but," she slows down. "i couldn't stop thinking about how i miss you. and how that has everything and nothing to do with what's going on."

before her is a long winded, complicated way of apologizing. or of taeyeon declaring she's terrified of change. or maybe of both. it's been awhile. jessica feels rusty. but addresses the facts as she sees them: sm is sm, tiffany lives in los angeles, and three more of them are moving on. she knows taeyeon has never been good with change.

"i can't give you advice." jessica feels a little disappointed. events are cheesy, remember? jessica does meet taeyeon's gaze. "it's not in your nature to take my advice," she says, shrugging. "i think the last time you actually did, you kissed someone from the wonder girls and wouldn't speak to me for, like, a week or something. that was ten years ago."

taeyeon laughs sharply. her face is red. jessica smirks. and shakes her head too. because a small memory is just as good as a big one. "sohee," taeyeon says too. "and you were jealous."

"probably," jessica doesn't miss a beat. "but it was better than you pining over her in your bedroom. listening to sad music."

they're quiet again. smiling though. jessica offers a piece of potato to taeyeon. the other woman takes it and eat it, nodding as they watch a jogger pass them too. it feels like temporary comfortable silence. jessica takes advantage and drags herself back to lean against the bench. head drops back too. her eyes close and she pinches the bridge of her nose.

"you're going to be okay."

jessica can't recognize the sound of her own voice. feels her mouth moving though. she chooses her words.

"you signed with sm again for a reason. the very same that seohyunie, sooyoung, and tiffany decided to leave. it's okay to not want to be little girls anymore; it's also okay to want to move forward," she murmurs. turning her head, she meets taeyeon's gaze. "you have to capitalize on the business end of your company relationship. start to create the team of people you want around you too. stop pinning, taeyeonah. it's not a good look." she reaches forward, poking taeyeon's nose. "and also, live your life. because that's what adults are supposed to do."

with a history of drunken kisses between them, jessica knows why she got this conversation. and not the eighty others that are usually reserved for lighter moments. taeyeon is serious by nature; selfless and dangerous all in one. there is a reason why they never acted on anything. probably, jessica thinks, more because she might kill taeyeon first.

but she's not afraid of taeyeon like this. in fact, she sort of ignores it. pushes through it too. likes that there's a piece of taeyeon that usually was reserved for her. or so she thought anyway.

"at least we never dated," she says. casually too. "we would have been in our seventies when we would have had this conversation."

taeyeon laughs, waving her hand around. "this is kind of like a date."

"really?" jessica rolls her eyes. "i'm not wearing lipstick."

"is that a requirement?" taeyeon teases. and just like that, the other part is over. maybe shelved for the moment.

"eat your damn potato," jessica mutters. 

she makes a self-admission too: this is kind of nice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

a confession: 

seohyun had called her. the day before the announcement broke in the news. smiled sadly because this is probably still just as unnerving and terrifying as it was for jessica years ago and all of them ten years ago.

she wasn’t panicked. but she was quiet. mostly quiet. the two of them tried not to get stuck on too many memories. but there had been one. jessica told her once _call me, i'll come_ and meant it. not just to her. but because lying had never been her strongest suit. 

"unnie," she said gently, after. maybe more like a warning. "you're going to get a lot of calls in the coming days."

jessica laughed. "seriously?"

seohyun was as serious as she was always. brow drawn together into a frown.

"change makes people do all sorts of crazy things," seohyun said.

which sounded like the truth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

they start to walk back because it gets too cold.

eventually, later. or maybe it's because jessica checks her watch and realizes she hasn't bought any snacks for soojung. but it's been a weird night and she's still not sure what to make of any of this. maybe she shouldn't. maybe there's nothing to make of it as it is.

then, crossing the street, taeyeon grabs her hand. links their fingers together. thrusts their hands under her arm to pull jessica closer.

"body heat," she explains. as if on cue, there's a gust of wind. the park lights glow and wink at the both of them. taeyeon smiles. "and you're usually warmer than i am as it is."

jessica shakes her head. flustered, a little. "whatever," she mutters. stares at their hands. decides to leave it be.

she feels a little strange and unfinished. like the conversation should have went somewhere. but didn't. mostly because the two of them don't really know how to start the conversation they are supposed to have. this is the truth: jessica has plenty of things she wanted to say to her. thinking about it, all those words explode into other things that maybe, okay, _definitely_ she isn't ready to go and say. taeyeon is that person for her; crawls under her skin, pulls and plays at old memories without warning.

"i'm a control freak," she says out loud. panics slightly. because taeyeon is watching her. she meets taeyeon's gaze too. "seriously," she says. "i am. and i'm not really sure why you went to me. and not the first flight to the states. or crashed at one of the kids' places."

"kids?" taeyeon asks, amused.

"shut up." jessica is flustered. pushes at taeyeon's arm. "old habit." she then glares. "i wasn't ready for this today."

"conversations aren't linear," taeyeon murmurs. shrugs too. "i think you told me that once. and since you and i are bad at talking about things -"

"terrible, actually," jessica quips.

taeyeon nudges her shoulder. "you know what i mean." she looks down, smiling slightly. "i just want to fix this," she says. finally, maybe. and she seems surprised that she's saying this. "there's no ulterior motive," she says too. "i want to fix this," she repeats, "and selfishly, since i know we both said things to each other that we didn't mean. out of anger, whatever. i want to not be angry and sad and everything else because the world is moving forward and i don't know how to do my part. so i have to start somewhere."

they've stopped at some point. in between two restaurants, a neon sign highlighting the small alley they stand in front of. jessica studies taeyeon. leans against a wall because her feet really do hurt. because it might be near two am and this elaborate, weird night is throwing her into a loop and telling her to survive it. there is still something so genuine about how taeyeon pushes forward, how her words are careful and clumsy. how jessica feels herself being drawn in. and how the memories seem to take a back seat.

why, she wants to ask. should ask. because there is a practical point to this. her mouth even opens, ready to form words. nothing comes out. part of her isn't surprised, you know.

instead, jessica manages to smile. maybe fondly. more _like_ fondly. this is not a confession: she is never angry when she looks at taeyeon. but this is also a step she takes. without knowing that she's ready.

"i hate events," jessica murmurs. pointedly. enough so that taeyeon stands a little straighter, maybe over her. maybe not. but she's closer and jessica squeezes her fingers. "i'm too old for events," she says. "and i do have a phone. that you can call."

taeyeon laughs. "i know."

"and also," jessica says, "that you should call." she's leaning forward without realizing. meets taeyeon halfway and presses lightly into her. "because that would make any sort of future conversations easier."

"i know," taeyeon replies, voice tinged with amusement.

jessica searches her face. reaches forward. touches her mouth with the tips of her fingers and watches taeyeon bite lightly at her fingers. there's nothing to be said other than: it's happening, it's happening and there's no fanfare and maybe over ten years of stuff crawling out to sit on the surface. _don't be stupid_ , she tells herself. slightly panics and thinks maybe this is out of context. but there are still knots in her belly and this time, taeyeon isn't walking away from her.

no one kisses each other first. jessica presses her mouth over taeyeon's. and it's taeyeon that sighs, sliding two fingers under her chin. her toes are pressing into the ground. taeyeon keeps a sweet, slow mouth. and jessica remembers to trust a little bit, grabbing a fistful of her jacket to keep them from falling. it's stupid and clumsy and panicky nonetheless. it says something like time is a nuisance and at heart, they are both eighteen and years of unresolved _stuff_. the kiss feels both like an apology. and a reality. honest all the same.

jessica keeps her eyes close when it's time to breathe.

"i hate surprises," she manages. squeezes her fingers into taeyeon's jacket. "for the future," jessica repeats.

taeyeon does not relent. this will be surprising later.

"for the future," she agrees.


End file.
